Daniel Craig’s Bond 60% More Likely To Sexually Transmit Death By Henchmen

To celebrate the DVD/Blu Ray release of Skyfall, and the 45^th anniversary of Daniel Craig’s eviction from the womb, I take a look at the current state of James Bond.

If you watched 2008’s Quantum of Sony Product Placement, you witnessed the ageing James Bond franchise lose its battle with Alzheimer’s- finally forgetting everything that makes a Bond film a Bond film. His sense of humour was the first thing to go, quickly followed by many staples of our semi-centennial spy’s heritage; the gun barrel intro, Moneypenny banter, Q gadgetry, coherently directed action, dodgy double entendre.  In this gritty post 9/11 era where no one can have any fun ever, Bond constantly struggled to stay relevant.

Though Casino Royale was his first decent film in years, he couldn’t say hand on heart it was a proper Bond film. He lurched around Quantum in a confused state, every judiciously edited action sequence a perfect reflection of his fractured psyche. In his final days, answering only to the name “Jason Bourne”, he kept mumbling some bilge about jetpacks, cello skiing, space skirmishes and tsunami surfing.  He lived long enough to see his previous adventures bestowed more politically correct titles like Dr No Smoking, Live And Let's Diet, Never Say N***er Again and The World Is Not Diverse Enough. The traditional post-credits “James Bond Will Return” seemed more like a misjudged epitaph, rather than a promise.

Then Skyfall was released, to the tune of $1 billion worldwide box office and laden with superlative reviews. Critical acclaim is frankly something new; like the family dog with occasional bouts of faecal chafing, Bond has always been beloved, but never really respected. I’m surprised that general audiences twigged Skyfall was a Bond film at all, being that the title is uniquely comprised of two syllables and doesn’t have violent verbs like ‘Die’ or ‘Kill’ in it. Thankfully Adele cleared up any outstanding confusion by crooning the word ‘Skyfall’ at least thirty times in her Oscar-winning theme song.   

Now if there’s one film series I would be extremely hesitant to watch beside a strident feminist, it would be James Bond. My better half can routinely be found muttering darkly at the TV through Misogyny Detecting Goggles and has nothing but contempt for Bond.  So when Sara turns around and declares both Daniel Craig and Skyfall “the best Bond ever”, it’s a wholly unexpected endorsement of cinema’s most enduring sex pest. She even wanted to watch it again! Why the change in heart for the suave blank canvas for macho fantasy? You only have to watch a handful of adventures to know James Bond is a god-awful spy. He is however, quite a brilliant magician.

As they say, there are three parts to a magic trick:

The Pledge- Pierce Brosnan’s swansong featured an invisible car, an ice palace, a sun laser, and a cameo from Madonna; it’s hard to know which of those things is more ridiculous. 

Bond gets existential- "What the f*ck am I doing?"

Released thirteen months after 9/11, Die Another Day was wildly out of touch with the cultural zeitgeist, as incongruous as custard pies at a funeral sermon.  The slate had to be cleaned out of necessity- saving the world was a serious business again, needing a more serious Bond. Enter Casino Royale. Enter Daniel Craig.

The Turn-Gone is the swaggering slab of Brylcreem of yester year- here is a Bond with vulnerability and flaws; inviting not envy, but pity. A Bond who would sooner kick you and your CGI effect in the face, than spit out witticisms. A 007 for people who don't like 007.

All female readers are suddenly pregnant.

The Prestige- Having depicting Bond’s first days with a license to kill, Skyfall picks up later in his career – almost as if he’s lived through all the other 20 films since we last saw him. Daniel Craig is allowed to relax and crack a smile. Q, Moneypenny, even M’s classic office is back. The villain this time is thankfully not a glorified accountant or water conglomerate. The ADD toddler who edited Quantum was sacked, director Sam Mendes and cinematographer Roger Deakins were hired; who together make Skyfall a stunning visual treat. And crucially, not shit.

But that’s all it is; a magic trick. To all those people, Sara among them, who believe Craig’s era is so much more nuanced, so vastly superior to what’s gone on before; you’ve been duped. Scratch under the surface, and Bond hasn’t changed a lick.

“The women are portrayed so much better”

So you thought Daniel Craig emerging from the sea in those powder blues was a changing of the tides eh? More like a honey trap- the LAST thing you should do is have sex with Daniel Craig’s Bond-

Solange Dimitrios- slave to a maniacal tormentor who is seduced by Bond in one scene, then shortly after is tortured, killed, and wrapped in a beach hammock.

Vesper Lynd- spends the whole film berating Bond for being a misogynist arsehole, sleeps with him, then shortly after drowns horrifically.

Strawberry Fields- Greets Bond at the airport wearing only a trenchcoat like some sort of MI6 kissogram, is seduced in one scene, then shortly after is tortured, stripped and suffocated after being covered head-to-toe in crude oil.

Sévérine- “What do you know about fear?” Sévérine asks. “All there is” Bond replies. “Not like this. Not like him. I’m terrified when he takes off that prosthetic appliance at bedtime and makes me wear a Judi Dench mask.” Forced into prostitution aged 12 , slave to a maniacal tormentor, is seduced mid-shower by an uninvited Bond and his stonking erection. Is promptly shot in the face.

Nameless Skyfall Shag- Was at the film’s start for two frames, didn't die- but had to endure a depressed Bond drinking Heineken and playing "Pin the tail on the scorpion". Fate worse than death?

Camile- leading Bond girl in Quantum of Solace didn’t sleep with Bond and survives the film. Huh. A mere hint of Craig’s cock is enough to make Eve Moneypenny revoke her hard earned 00-status and hide behind a secretary desk.

M- Didn’t sleep with Bond, but dies anyway.   

Better written they might well be, but the women still die just the same. In the next film maybe Ben Whishaw’s Q should hook him up with someone nice on Match.com. I can just see the ad now: “To increase life expectancy, avoid excessive make up, being aggressively flirtatious and/or be linked to any criminals. Kinky use of butter okay- but stay away from liquid gold or oil”. Or maybe a Q bromance? Twiddling each other’s joysticks over a few games of N64’s GoldenEye (top tip- Oddjob, proximity mines, in the Basement)

“Daniel Craig is the first Bond since Sean Connery who looks like a killer”

Well duh, that’s about all he’s good at- viciously smacking people around. M once described him as blunt instrument, but I'd say constant fuck up is more accurate. At Skyfall’s start he fails to catch up to the escaping Patrice and retrieve a list of undercover agents. These agents later die, but because the list is a plot MacGuffin, we don’t really care. Bond traces Patrice to Shanghai, and is supposed to coerce information from him about his mysterious employer, Silva. Instead Bond chucks him off a roof and learns nothing. He aligns himself with Silva’s sex pet, but gets her killed. When Q is trying to crack Silva’s encryption later, Bond points out a hidden reference to the London Underground, which triggers off Silva’s escape plan, and lots of people dying. Bond attempts to save M’s life by kidnapping her, driving to the most remote region of Scotland, and battling Silva with no back up, two rifles and a knife. M dies anyway. 

“I’m glad the gadgets are gone; they’re silly”

You know what? I’ll give you that. Who needs exploding pens and remote control BMWs when you have an iPhone? Then again, I didn’t even see Bond with a mobile in Skyfall. I guess he doesn’t need one, seeing as every woman he’s slept with is dead.