Open Letter to Very Young Teenage Cretins Wanting Babies

No.

Just ... no.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? Have you ever even met a baby? Because most of them are arseholes (literally, that’s all they have to offer the world for ages)- they’re the only variety of people even more inexplicably moody and cranky than god-awful teenagers (whoops, that's you I guess).

Look, I know. I know you want a baby because you feel alone and you want someone who will love you and need you. I get that. And that’s why you should go get a puppy. Puppies are really glad when you come home from school to see them. Babies on the other hand aren't there when you come home from school because they’ve been taken away by child protective services because you can’t just leave babies on the floor while you run to class. This is just one of the many differences between puppies and babies.  

I only write now this because the other day a whole bunch of you were cooing over my son in his admittedly adorable ride-along car, and some of you went several steps too far and said you really wanted a baby. At least by seventeen, one of you said. Is it because you're a sponge for all those deplorable TV shows like Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant, and I Was Evicted From The Womb The Other Day and Now Want My Own Baby? I implore you- get a puppy instead.

Other differences between puppies and babies:

Puppies will piss on your rug for a few weeks until they’re trained.

Babies will piss on your rug, your clothes, and (on several occasions if you have a boy) your open mouth. FOR YEARS. Puppies almost never piss in your mouth, unless trained (for some reason).

Puppies occasionally shit on the carpet.

Babies occasionally pull the shit out of their nappies to create a mural on the wall, which you will then have to clean off. Puppies almost never make you clean human faeces off walls.

Puppies come from animal shelters. You have to pay for them with a credit card. Babies come from your uterus. You have to push them out of your vagina. Sure there’s no APR to worry about, but your traumatised genitalia will have the same approximate diameter and depth as the Sarlacc Pit from Star Wars.Puppies love you. So do babies. That one’s a tie.

Puppies love you even if you aren't perfect. Babies would kill you with their minds if they could simply because you aren't fast enough at reading their minds. Instead they’ll just scream their heads off. Puppies almost never scream their heads off. Unless you beat them (I imagine).

If a puppy can’t sleep you can put it outside. If you do that with a baby you go to prison.

When your puppy finally does sleep you can curl up next to him and he’ll snuggle against you and you can nap. When your baby finally falls asleep you’ll try to take the first shower you've taken in days but then you’ll wake up the baby by thinking too loudly. Nice try! Back to work.

Your puppy needs clean water, food, and a few toys. Your baby needs so much shit that you’ll need to take out a loan for just the basics. Six months after buying it, everything you bought will either be recalled for safety issues or be expendable and hopelessly dated.

You don’t have to hire a babysitter, tutor, or nanny for a puppy. Puppies never want designer jeans and tongue piercings. Puppies never ask where babies come from. Puppies chew up your Mummy’s new purse. Babies throw up in Mummy’s new purse. In fact, they do it so much that you don’t even get all that grossed out when you have to clean it up. That’s just how used to vomit you are.

Puppies are best enjoyed at any age. Babies are best enjoyed when you are responsible, out of school, and economically independent. 

That’s why, teenagers, I say to you now ... get thyself a puppy. And then when your parents get all pissed off that you got a puppy just say, "I’m pregnant." Once you calm them down and they see that you’re really just carrying around a puppy instead of a foetus they’re much more likely to think reasonably and will probably be fine with a puppy. It’s all about perspective really.

Hugs,

Liam

PS. Condoms are your friends. So are chew toys. Don't confuse the two.

He does look pretty adorable though